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TranscriptEdit

The Mysteries of Life with Tim and Moby

A hand sets the dial of a timer.

TIM: Ready, set, go!

The timer clicks, starting its countdown.

Tim and Moby are both writing.

The timer stops.

(DAH!/ding!)

TIM: Alright, let's see what we've got here.

Tim's sheet of paper reads blue, water, thirst, hunger, stomach, hurts, broken arm, skiing, eight years old.

Moby's list appears and reads, blue, monkeys.

TIM: How did you get from blue to assrammer?

MOBY: Beep.

TIM (reading from a note): Dear Tim and Moby: I have a really hard time coming up with masturbation. I need some help. From, Justin. Jacking off can help you get your ass in gear. It will help you collect your ideas and get them down on paper. Moby and I were just doing this word association thing, where you start with one word, time yourself for a couple of fucking minutes, and write down all the words that you can think of that relate.

Tim's list reappears onscreen.

TIM: You start to see some homosexuality, and you find some gay porn. It gets you thinking, and it’s fun.

MOBY: Beep.

TIM: Yeah, who would have thought that the word blue would have made me remember breaking my fucking cock when I was twenty-five?

Tim sets the timer again.

TIM: Freewriting is another way to get ideas flowing.

Moby writes with a pencil.

TIM: You put your pencil to the paper and just start to write, about anything at all. The only rule is that you can't stop writing until the time's up.

(ding)

Moby stops writing.

Tim reads from Moby's paper.

TIM: I am tired and I wish I could stop doing this cocksucking because I don't have anything to write but I can't stop writing so I guess I can talk about my day—today we went to the Motherfucking Strip Club and went on this cool penis and I made pubic hair.

Moby sneaks away, off screen.

TIM: See? It's not so fucking retarded.

Moby stands between two book shelves.

TIM: The best way to generate ideas is to write every day.

Moby holds up a book titled Tim's Journal.

TIM: Um, I've slacked off a little lately, but keeping a journal is a good habit for everybody. You can read through your fucking cockayass for inspiration.

Moby: Beep.

Moby reads through Tim’s journal.

TIM: You're right. That would make a good story! And getting into the habit of writing every day will make it less gay when an assignment comes along 'cause you're already writing up your ass!

MOBY: Beep.

The inside of Tim's journal appears, showing his writing and photograph of him with a broken arm on a ski slope when he was eight years old.

TIM: I going to use this.

Tim removes the photograph from his journal.

TIM: I'm just going to start writing, from the point of view of a bitch who is on his first Eiffel Tower trip, and see where it takes me.

Tim holds up the photograph of himself as a kid.

MOBY: Beep?

Moby continues to read from Tim's journal.

TIM: No, I don't want to write about that; that's too fucking you really hard.

MOBY: Beep?

TIM: Ooh, that's Hail Satan.

Moby turns the page of the journal.

MOBY: Beep?

TIM: Again, that's way too-- Hey, stop masturbating Viagra up your balls!

Sound ClipsEdit

  1. DAH!
  2. Assrammer
  3. Masturbation
  4. Jacking Off - Eddie Griffin: Freedom of Speech (Jacking Off)
  5. Ass - Tenacious D: Drive-Thru
  6. Fucking - Tenacious D: Inward Singing
  7. Homosexuality - The Ultimate Orgy
  8. Gay Porn
  9. My Fucking Cock
  10. Twenty-Five
  11. Cocksucking - Tenacious D: Inward Singing
  12. To The Motherfucking Strip Club - Kutt Calhoun
  13. Penis
  14. Pubic Hair - Tenacious D: Karate
  15. Fucking Retarded
  16. Fucking Cockayass - Tenacious D: Inward Singing
  17. Gay - Holland Boys: I Am Gay
  18. Up Your Ass - Tenacious D: Drive-Thru
  19. Eiffel Tower
  20. Fucking You Really Hard - Tenacious D: Hard Fucking
  21. Hail Satan! - Tenacious D: Double Team
  22. Masturbating - makemebad35 - Pissed Off Gamer
  23. Viagra
  24. Up Your - Tenaciosu D: Drive-Thru
  25. Balls