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This article is a transcript of ViacomCanSuckIt (Klusignolo)'s edited version of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Band Geeks" from season two.

Edited parts will be in Bold.

  • (Squidward plays his clarinet until doorbell rings) (Doctor Gill Gilliam is along with all the Joes.)
  • Doctor Gill Gilliam: You have a fucking sexy ass. (Squidward shuts door. phone rings)
  • Squidward: Hello. (plays a clarinet note)
  • Squilliam: Sounds like you've got a dying animal to put up your ass, eh ol' chum?
  • Squidward: *gasp* Squilliam Fancytitties from band class?!
  • Squilliam: I hear you're playing the Dick and balls now.
  • Squidward: Sometimes. Uh, how's the boner?
  • Squilliam: It's big and big and big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy dildo now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.
  • Squilliam: The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your dildo could cover for us.
  • Squidward: Ohh, uhh, I…I, uhh…
  • Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a dildo! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now.
  • Squidward: HOLD IT! It just so happens that I spewed all over myself, and we're going to put that Bubble Bowl up your ass! How do you like that, Fancyballs?!
  • Squilliam: Good luck, next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of bitches! (hangs up phone)
  • Squidward: I've got to shit!
  • (In the following lines, Plankton, Mrs. Puff, Mr. Krabs, and Larry are reading from a poster)
  • Sandy: Looking to add fulfillment to your fucking life?
  • Plankton: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever fuck Bikini Bottom.
  • Larry: Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp.
  • (Squidward looks at his watch while driving a shell cart)
  • Squidward: fucking music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor.
  • Audience: (says blah, blah, blah, and hail Satan)
  • Squidward: People, people, settle down! Ok, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?
  • Plankton: Do pubes count?
  • Squidward: No.
  • Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
  • Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
  • (Patrick farts)
  • Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food?
  • Squidward: Ok, try to repeat after me. (Squidward plays 5 notes) Brass section, go.
  • (drummers misunderstand what Squidward means, so they blow on their sticks which blow out and stick Squidward to the wall)
  • Squidward: Too bad that didn't kill me. (Next scene) Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to shave off my pubes!
  • SpongeBob: Is this the part where we whack off?

Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that's a cock.

  • Narrator: Day two.
  • (an explosion occurs)
  • Narrator: Day three.
  • Squidward: How's that harmonica solo coming Plankton?
  • Plankton: FUCK YOU!
  • Narrator: Day Four
  • (Patrick chews on a trumpet)
  • Harold (in British accent): BIG, meaty DICK AND BALLS!
  • (Entire class farts)
  • Narrator: Day two.
  • Squidward: Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all shit on my chest. So, thanks, thanks for nothing. (Squidward walks away)
  • Patrick: You're welcome.
  • (Skips to the scene where Squidward goes to the Bubble Bowl)
  • Squidward: I knew this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another dildo. I just hope that… (sees Squilliam) …SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT! SQUILLIAM!! AH! What are you doing here?
  • Squilliam: (laughs) I just wanted to watch you make some love. So, where's your dildo?
  • Squidward: Um, they couldn't come. They…died.
  • Squilliam: Then who's that?
  • Squidward: AH! THAT WOULD BE MY DILDO!
  • SpongeBob: We're ready to perform, Squidward.
  • (SpongeBob dances)
  • Squidward: That's his…eager face. (Squilliam laughs. They all go into the Bubble Bowl)
  • Squidward: Well, I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town.
  • SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Squidward. (bowl raises above a football field)
  • Football Announcer: Ok, football fans. Put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom Super Dildo!!! (all cheering)
  • Mr. Krabs: I think I'm gonna shit.
  • Squidward: Ok, everybody. Let's get this over with. 1, 2, 3, 4.
  • (Video abruptly ends with Spongebob dancing to a techno song while the video changes colors)

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